After squeaking out a victory against fellow fantasy juggernaut “The Lord of the Rings,” the surviving members of George RR Martin’s “A Song of Ice and Fire” join some new faces in hopes to dethrone the mecca of geekdom: “Star Wars.”
ROUND 1: Ned Stark vs Obi Wan Kenobi
Last week Ned Stark’s nobility edged Boromir’s corruption, but there will be no such advtange in this match up. These two would treat each other to breadbaskets at the Oliver Garden before this duel, just to show the utmost respect.
One has to worry about the logistics though, as far as light saber vs sword goes, even a sword as might as Ice. The thing is, the same respect that goes into lobster ravioli and chicken domani is the same respect which would have Obi Wan finish off Ned Stark as fast as possible while he looks dumfounded at Ice in two pieces on the ground. Sorry Ned, your headless again.
WINNER: Obi Wan
ROUND 2: Jon Snow vs Luke Skywalker
For the second week in a row Jon Snow comes up against another fellow young, wandering protagonist (they’re all handsome devils too, aren’t?). This time it’s a bit more of a matchup though, with Luke packing heat, not to mention a couple droids (not that they are the droids you are looking for, if that’s what you were thinking!). However while R2 and 3PO are analyzing their opponent from a distance, trying to advise Luke on how best to proceed, you got Ghost sneaking up behind for another clutch throat rip. Aint no dire wolves on Tattooine.
WINNER: Jon Snow
ROUND 3: Davos Seaworth vs Han Solo
Reading “Davos Seaworth” as the opponent for the illustrious Han Solo is as disappointing as finding out Davos gets almost as much narration time as Danaerys in “Clash of Kings.” But this is a duel of smugglers, and no one should be underestimted. Davos’ time with Stannis and Han’s with Luke have softened their shadier dealings, and things would proceed cordially over a glass or two of wine–then under the table a dagger flashes, a blaster shoots off, and Davos slumps over dead on the table. But who shot first!?
WINNER: Han Solo
ROUND 4: Tyrion vs The Emperor
Gimli was no match for Tyrion last week. Despite the halfling’s size disadvantage, he’s got to be fighting up a weight class. Guy’s got too much mental game. The Emperor proves more of a challenge, as he’s a wisened old crone himself. However Tyrion’s already mangled faced proves invulnerable to lightning, and he can get into places old man Palpatine’s back won’t allow. Now we play the waiting game.
ROUND 5: Jaime Lannister vs Darth Vader
Can the knight with the fairest hair in Westeros defeat the man in black? Not a chance. Even past-his prime, Vader would not play into Jaime’s smug game of tet-a-tet. While Jaime swings his sword in a fashionable way, brushing his bangs back, smiling like a Crest commercial, Vader calmly steps forward, pushes a button and his saber unsheathes directly through Jaime’s pretty little face. Sorry Jaime, but justice must be done for the head of Ned Stark. King of the North! Er, um, I mean–Dark Side!
WINNER: Darth Vader
ROUND 6: Danaerys Targaryen vs Princess Leia
A battle of royalty. Now don’t get me wrong, we all saw what Leia did in Jaba’s Palace, girl can fight. But could she trek the red wastes without an end in sight? Could she lead her people through it, inspire in them faith? The Queen of Dragons can. Leia was probably a great princess in the pre-Rebellion galaxy (like, when she was 4) but Dany leads her people in the darkest of their hours, and it is that strength she calls upon when she needs to vanquish her foes. Oh, also, she calls upon her dragons. Her three dragons. This one’s over before it began.
ROUND 7: Sam Tarley vs C3PO
Last week saw Sam fumble his way to victory over a heartbroken Samwise Gamgee. Today their is no such luck as he faces the cold logic of man’s greatest enemy: machine. Or is it nature? Anyway 3P0 isn’t exactly Robo Cop here, and even Sam might have the drop on 3P0’s “I just crapped my pants” waddle. And finally the books pay off! Tarley just finished “Reprogramming Robots for Dummies” and rewires C3P0 to lug around all those ravens for him. What a shit job.
WINNER: Sam Tarley, believe it!
Wow. That leaves us with a 3-3 tie. Later in the week I will devise an ultimate, winner take all matchup to crown a champion.